It's just been a few years since I passed out from school.
Most of my classmates are spread around the country, some even abroad. In the
age of Facebook, Whatsapp and decent ISD call rates, it's not that hard to keep
in touch with those who you care about. We have a group on Facebook which died
out in a few months, a group on Whatsapp which is active only in random spurts
and the moments that we usually share are during someone's birthday. The only
reassurance is that this is probably your story too. The story of every other
batch of teenagers passing out from school expecting an American Pie like life
in college (Isn't it obvious that we don't 'do' pies in India. Pun intended).
College broadens what you can do with your life, presents
you with endless possibilities. And this is different for different people.
Robert Frost wrote about a fork in the road; in this case imagine a junction of
half a dozen roads leading in different directions. In such a journey, most of
us rarely find time to look back at the people we have left behind or those who
chose a different path. Friendships are forgotten, memories fade away and
relations become stretched. Its natural; a modern way of life.
Whenever I am in town, I do my best to get in touch with my
old school friends. We meet up somewhere in the city during those rare pockets
of time when everyone is actually 'free'. A
jovial gathering where we discuss how much all of us have changed or not
while at the same time remembering all the fun memories we had in school.
Brilliant times all right. Under usual circumstances, I would describe this as
a perfect moment of nostalgia. What could be better, I used to wonder! But
walking out on the reflection of a life I once had years ago, a conversation lasting a few minutes, I felt like I
took nothing back from it. Sure, it made me happy about the 'good old times'
but was that it? The much glorified feeling of nostalgia was nothing but an
hour's worth of recollecting good moments. A part of my soul felt let down.
Having 2 major vacations in the space of 6 months, I usually
take time out to visit my old school when I am home. Since I spent 13 wonderful
years in those hallowed halls, it is of no surprise that I have fond memories
of my school and the times that I have spent there. During my school days, I remember
my seniors would come back to school to meet their beloved teachers and doting
juniors. They would spend hours chatting about their new lives with the
teachers, often interrupting our classes. We used to look at them with starry
eyes and wonder when we would get to do the same. Come back to school with heads
held high, look at our juniors with a knowing smile and sit around till we get
bored of remembering the good times.
Well, we tried living the dream. My friends and I used to go to
school during our holidays and sometimes even more than once. At first, the teachers
were excited in knowing which colleges we joined, the life we had there and how
we had changed. After a few visits they started asking me how much free time I
had during the holidays. I realized that they had moved on to the next batch of
students they had to teach, motivate and guide so that those kids could stand
where I was standing right now. Of course, they still loved us but it wouldn't
be right to go back each time to demand their attention when we already had our
share. The grounds, the buildings, everything was changing. They were being
modified, rebuilt or extended. It was hard to go back and piece out our
memories in locations that were seeming to be alien to us. For the first time I
felt the opposite of what every kid feels during school. I felt as if I wanted
to go to school when the school didn't want me to be there.
The human mind is capable of adjusting and adapting
continuously. A never ending process of building an illusion of familiarity and
comfort around our fragile minds. Subconsciously, we all start detaching
ourselves from our school and our life of old even before we embrace our new
life. And hence, in my journey of finding the blissful feeling of true
nostalgia, it seemed that I had fallen short yet again. Discontent was evident.
Life moved on and during one boring vacation away from
college, a few of us made spur of the moment plan to go for the first show of a
Malayalam movie. It had been running in the theaters for a while and was
supposed to be a really good movie (Usthad Hotel , if you are that curious). It
was a rainy day and we reached the theater a few minutes before the movie and
grabbed some seats. Now this theater wasn't an expensive multiplex like those
that have suddenly sprouted all over the city. It was an old theater, which had
cheap tickets, seats without cushion but a guaranteed crazy movie experience
attached with each show that was packed with movie crazy Malayalees. The movie
was a coming of age story of a young chap sprinkled with humor and life
lessons.
Coming out of the theater, we crossed the road and made our
way into a small roadside eatery, all the while discussing the movie with great
excitement. The stall was basically a small roadside stand with a few stools
and a tarpaulin sheet over our heads. There was a stove where hot dosas and
porottas were being made and the side dishes were already prepared. We ordered
our usually beef curry (You don't just eat from a roadside
"Thattukada" without ordering beef) with hot dosas and sat down to
talk. Surprisingly the conversation switched from the movie to how each of us
had grown. No, there wasn't any recollection of the golden days nor was there
any deep insights into our future. It was more of a knowing chuckle that we
shared while we gorged down hot dosas, realizing that life has this ability to
trigger moments that bring out emotions that we thought had died. We had our
fill, squabbled over the money and waited for a bus to take us back home. In
the cold night air, we leaned on the railing of the side walk staring at the
remains of the late night traffic. A few drops of rain was splattering down,
but it wasn't bothersome. I speak for my friends when I say that those moments
that we spent together were more comforting and blissful than any other in
recent times. The reassurance that the relations, that you thought were
strained, and the moments, that you thought were long gone, can still be
recreated is amazing. It might sound silly if I try explaining it, so I will leave
it for you to experience.
Nostalgia is commonly defined as " a sentimental term
for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal
associations..". I disagree. Nostalgia is nothing sort of an emotion. A
feeling. It can be described as the warmth in your heart when you relive the
emotions and recreate the state of mind you enjoyed in the past. It is not
something you can trigger by recollecting memories. It is an involuntary
response to reliving those memories. You may all claim to experience nostalgia
when sitting in your offices thousands of miles away from each other or when
you meet up for a planned yearly get together with your school mates. To truly
experience nostalgia, you have to relive those moments that you cannot
recollect and feel the emotions of times you can't even remember. And then you
will feel content and satisfied like I did. And since that day, I haven't felt
like going back to my old school...
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